Jennifer
We played softball together for years!
She hugged on me a lot!
She looked out for me!
She tried to help me train untrainable dogs!
She let me wear her cross country ski boots even if they are on the wrong feet!
She helped me dance!
She taught me to dress, do my makeup, and match my clothes.
It has been three weeks since Jennifer died. You would think as time passed you would start to feel better about the loss of a sister. But I only feel worse. The visions of her in heaven just aren't working as well to keep up my spirits. All I can think about is what has been lost. What I have lost. I would do so many things different. What if I had booked my trip sooner, could I have gotten one more hug, heard her voice one more time, gotten a picture of her hugging on me like she did when we were little or better yet see her enjoy Ethan more than anything in the world. I wish I had loved her more, enjoyed her more, talked to her more, listened more. Why couldn't I have seen all the love she had for me while she was still here. The worst part is nothing can change it, nothing. It all is what it is and I am stuck with lame pictures that only show just how beautiful she was. (I say lame because you can only flip through so many before they run out and then that is all you have to look at). Sorry I don't usually blog like this but it is late, I can't sleep, and feel like I am talking to someone this way. I am just so mad I guess. Not at God or anything just a bit angry and the deepness of a relationship I could have had with her. Ours was good but I could have done so much more to show her how much I really did love her. I said it and stuff but I could have overwhelmed her with letters, calls, pictures of my family, prayers, time, anything. She deserved more and I held back. Please know how gorgeous she was and how much her sickness took away from her. How hard it was for her I will never be able to fathom.
